This huge overwhelming feeling of "I can't handle the pressure" took over me the other night! Tears ran down my cheeks uncontrollably. I had these huge expectations as a mother, wife, sister, friend and business owner! Trying to take care of everything seemed unbearable. The main reason for my breakdown was because of Mila!
Mila was super sick last week and this huge sadness came over me when I couldn't hug her or comfort her because of fear that the baby will get sick. My husband has been doing a great job giving her attention but I had guilt because the baby demanded more attention from me and I didn't give much back to Mila.
The guilt grew so strong that I started to think I was a horrible mother! Why did I beat myself up like this!? The pooch also has been neglected by me and the guilt for not showing him love also has been eating at me! At night when everyone is as sleep, I make rounds hugging everyone and telling them how much I love them and how much I miss them!
Although, I know my husband has been trying so hard to keep everything in balance but since I can't actually contribute to taking care of everyone has been creating this anxiety inside!
After going through some baby blues after having Mila I definitely wanted to avoid it this time around by being in sunshine, working out, going out, and having a great support system. Having 2 kids is definitely a challenge along with building a business that requires so many decisions made.
I didn't have a relationship with my mother growing up and I vowed to have one with Mila! Having this huge change take place is really painful! How am I ever going to grow my relationship with her when the baby needs me soo much!?
Mila has been misbehaving so much lately and I've been extra stern with her to the point where it seems there's more negative energy focused on her instead of positive. My husband would take over but it seemed as though she wouldn't listen to him.
I knew I was losing control of the situation and kind of didn't want to deal with it. Yesterday all these feelings, experiences and emotions collided within.
At that point I wanted to be selfish, and run away from all that responsibility. At that point I realized why I never wanted to have kids, so I would never have to give up my selfish ways. Once you have kids, everything you do revolves around them! I cried and vented to my husband how I don't want to do this anymore. Being a great husband he let me pout like a baby, gave me tons of hugs and said that everything is going to be ok.
In the morning the clear headed Kristina thought how silly it was of me to think of running away, and how we have it made! These wonderful Kids NEED us, love us and bring so much meaning to our life! Even though sometimes it does get challenging with discipline and giving everyone the right amount of attention we are truly blessed with the family we have! No one said it would be easy, but the reward of being parents is so wonderful! These little monkies will always love us!
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